I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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