Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
