Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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