every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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