Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
