Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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