I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
