Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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