I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
