stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
