Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My vagina just recognized that song.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
