you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
