I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
