i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize