i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
