Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
