Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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