You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
