I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
