I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
