Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
