i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
