you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
