I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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