Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
