he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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