if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
