I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Porn is love you can see.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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