dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I've blown a few things in my day
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
