Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
