I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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