I hate all girls vehemently.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
