I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize