my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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