yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
