Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
