So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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