one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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