My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
