Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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