This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
