Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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