Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i think my tv is drunk
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
