There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
