a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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