I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Pants are for mortals
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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