i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I cannot find my penis.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
