onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
