i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
