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Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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