she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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