my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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