I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
