well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
