The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
