I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
